Let’s get right to it, this is about to be really controversial, because I watched the ‘new Star Wars’ film, and yes, I enjoyed it. Hint: before you get too critical of my three word review, please note that I referred to the film as “the new Star Wars” because I actually have no idea of the films real title, my excuse being that I watched it in a foreign land with a foreign title – but really, you might also be able to tell that i’m not a die hard Star Wars knowledge machine fan.
… However after watching the film, I do have some very important and pressing questions, which I would like to address.
Firstly, you need to know that if you plan on taking this post seriously, you will not survive, you will in fact probably end up turning to the dark side, because I really dont know anything about Star Wars. For example, I did not realize that it was actually Carrie Fisher in the movie! I thought they had just found a really good lookalike… yep, i thought, nevermind. Put me on the wall of shame.
If you made it though that. Then you can probably deal with my next question. Princess Leia, can she use the force? Cause… Mary Poppins through space was definitely a new vibe, it just… what about all the other people?
Moving on, midway through the film, they were looking for the ‘master code breaker’ and instead bumped into the Mr Grungy codebreaker guy. Now, despite not knowing exactly how that first meeting transpired, due to a bathroom break, I was really rooting for that guy. I was hoping that half way through he would pull off his crusty trenchcoat and reveal his glorious red pom blume… but instead you just betrayed them all – you really let me down oily boi..
Ok, time to address the elephant in the room – not the weight loss Cowlephant that got awkwardly milked while Luke made too much eye contact with the young girl he had just met, but the massive awkward elephant that Chewbacca created by roasting that furry penguins mother.. Did he… though?… did he roast the furry penguins mother and then eat her?! Or did he feel bad for them once he saw that adorable stare and not eat her. Because from a purely efficiency point of view, he probably should not have wasted that food, it was already dead. But then he decided to take them all along with him in the Millenium Falcon… why? I like to believe he thought they made good trail mix.
Speaking of cute fluffy things, I get it, every Disney movie needs their “minions’ that they can sell to children. But then why the hell did they make those ugly fish people! I mean, way to comment on the perception of ‘caretakers’, but those fin-faces really missed out. Not only was their territory constantly being destroyed, their sacred library was K.O Rekkt by a trigger happy ghost Yoda who did not give a force.
Also, please do help me understand what that creepy blowhole was doing on the island, because right now the best explanation is that it was a deleted scene from Stranger Things Season 2. Rey decides to jump down a creepy hole and then checks herself out in a laggy mirror that somehow has great acoustics. Yeah, she didn’t find her parents, but between all that finger snapping i’m disappointed that she did not break out into a rendition of the Pitch Perfect soundtrack. Instead – she decided to go back to her hut and have a D&M with her ghost BFF, only to be rudely interrupted by Luke Skywalker who blows out the walls, probably looking for Eggo Waffles but really just heightens the damage bill.
But complaints aside, I do need to appreciate the diversity in the film. I mean, having the characters from two different minorities fall in love with each other instead of taking valuable screen time from a white characters love life. Genius! Also, romance has never seen a better role model – Note: the best way to save somebody’s life, is 100% always ramming your spaceship into theirs at full speed, and then telling them that love is important as you half die. Love really is just smashing into each other when its not convenient.
Finally! THAT LAST BATTLE HUH! Daym! Luke skywalker comes in like a hologram, hes untouchable! … then explain how he kissed his sister and handed her dice?
Also… the effort of transporting himself into a fight with Kylo Ren killed him, so, Kylo did win right? Or, fan theory, Luke just decided to vanish himself from the sacred island, because the rent and damage bill was getting out of control…. Poor fish people, they will probably just be dry cleaning his coat, only for him to never pick it up 🙁
Overall though, great film. Fully enjoyed. Had to pee twice. But yolo, may the Force Be with You.